And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
