You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
