I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
