im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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