if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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