I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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