before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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