Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
