booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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