Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
