If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
