is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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