Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
