I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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