Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
