The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
