with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
