Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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