Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
