Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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