remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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