My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
