She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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