well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
