It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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