did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
