He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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