last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
