Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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