I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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