im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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