She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She swung at the pinata with crutches
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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