Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
