fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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