arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
