A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
