I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
