I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
