Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
