Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
