All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
