I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
