if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
