i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
