Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
