she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
