could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
