1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
