Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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