Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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