He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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