i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
