Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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