i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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