You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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