My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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