he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
