Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
