Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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