He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
