The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
